What do you do?

Emma recently gave a lesson a fire safety. She was giving us different situations and asking what we should do. She started out one scenario by sating, "Let's say you are playing with matches, and one of the lights..."

Miranda and I interrupted and gave a "DON'T PLAY WITH MATCHES" speech.

After we were all clear on that subject, Emma thought for a minute and then gave her next scenario.

"Imagine you are exercising. And you fall over. And you land on a box. And in that box are matches. And one of the matches falls out. And it hits on the box. And it catches fire.

What do you do?"

What indeed?

Look ma, no wheels!!

When is enough enough?

This post is more of a journal entry for me to document/organize my thoughts on the subject. That is your warning...proceed with caution.

When to stop having kids? That is the question. That is THE question for me in my life and has been for at least a year. Brent says we're done, or rather, he's done. For me, the jury is still out.

At times I feel so overwhelmed, helpless really. Just the normal day to day activities of four kids is crazy. Then we add in dance for Emma, Gymnastics for Sydney, homework for Emma, potty training and playgroups for Aiden, preschool for Sydney, feeding changing and napping for Taylor and my days are busy. Forget projects, forget a meaningful conversation with Brent, forget scrapbooking (I have). I'm constantly just trying to tread water to keep from going under.

So, maybe that means we're done.

At times, I can't get enough of Taylor. A lot of times. She is the cutest, sweetest, happiest part of my day. Just thinking about her makes me smile. I love her smell (when bathed), I love her soft head, I love her dark hair and her dimples. I love having a baby all my own. I feel like I get to play house. I love dressing her, I love holding her, I love showing her off. Thinking about not having another baby makes me very very sad.

So, maybe that means we're not done.

I find myself frustrated by the constrictions my children place on my personal life. I want to be able to shop...for long hours at a time. I want to read more books. I want to scrapbook with my friends who get together allll the time without me (their kids are in school). I want to learn a new hobby or take a class from the local community college. I want to be able to spend more time on my calling and the temple and the scriptures. I want to go out to lunch somewhere besides McDonalds. I want to be spontaneous. I covet the people who can do these things because their kids are older.

So, maybe that means we're done.

I LOVE being a mom. I love that I am the center of their lives. I love that I am still their number one friend. The person they want to tell their jokes to and the person they come to when they need comfort. I know this won't last long. Soon, I'll be embarasing to them and enemy number one. I love that they're too little to realize that loving and hugging and kissing your mother is uncool. I want that to last forever.

So, maybe that means we're not done.

Kids are expensive. I heard that raising one child to be 18 costs about $250,000! Wow! Without kids, we'd be millionaires. I think of all the traveling we could do, all the things we could own, all the good we could do for others and for our kids if we only had four.

So, maybe that means we're done.

My kids are emotionally draining. I yell because I get stressed out, then I'm stressed out because I'm yelling at my kids and I know I shouldn't. Then, I feel guilty for being stressed out and I feel bad that my kids have to deal with me. They deserve better! They deserve a better, more controlled mother who speaks kindly and models good behavior. I think if I had less kids, this would be easier.

So, maybe that means we're done.

I've asked a lot of people about this topic. Most of the moms have said "I just knew when I was done". I heard that a lot about deciding who to marry and, it was true for me too. I just knew that Brent was going to be my husband and it wasn't scary, or unnerving, or a giant leap of faith. I don't feel that way about stopping after four kids.

So, maybe that means we're not done.

For the first time in my life, I feel like my kids need more of me than I can give. This is the biggie for me. In my mind, it's the only, truly, selfless reason to stop having kids. Because having more would mean that my current children get more neglected. I can't spend time on Emma's homework like she needs. I can't sit down and read to Sydney likes she needs. I can't be consistent with Aiden's time outs like he needs. I can't hold and stimulate Taylor like she needs. So, having more just for myself actually seems a little selfish sometimes. How can I guarantee that these other children will get what they need? I can't.

So, maybe that means we're done.


This kind of argument goes on in my head constantly. It's confusing and frustrating for Brent. Can we get rid of the baby clothes in the garage? Can we start counting down the years until we can all go to Disneyland? Why do we need an 8 passenger van? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!


Really, I just don't know.

An egyptician, a witch, and an indian walk into a pumpkin...

No, this is not a joke.