Trying to comfort her through my giggles

 

"Mom, I don't think I can be in band because it says you have to maintain a C or higher." I asked why that would be a problem. "Because, mom," Sydney responded almost in tears, " I don't even know what a C is on the trombone."

Empty Nester......phase 1

Two weeks ago, I dropped off all four of my kids at school.  Yes, ALL FOUR!  As I said goodbye to each child, I could feel the lump in my throat growing larger. When it was finally time to say goodbye to my sweet youngest, I completely lost it.  I gave her a quick hug and a kiss and ran from her room not wanting my emotions to dampen her excitement.  I went to my car, shut the door and sobbed.  How could this be happening?  How could my kids be this old?  How can Taylor be gone all day?  How do I have a child in middle school? How can I not be a mothering for 6 hours each day?  That's all I've ever known.

Each year, the first day of school is a stark reminder to me that my kids are growing up.  That fact is so so sad in many ways.  That morning, in the school parking lot, I let myslef mourn that reality. I cried and cried while other mothers walked back to their cars and buckled in their babies and toddlers. Thankfully, I have good friends who were going through the same thing and we were all meeting for breakfast so I was forced to pull it together, wipe my tears away and go chat with them....for two whole child free hours (just because we could.)

Over the past two weeks, I have been asked many times what this new freedom is like.  Sometimes, it is a question by a young mother longing to be in my position.  Sometimes, it is from an older mother offering her sympathy and understanding for my lose.  I usually tell them a few of the following lessons: 

1.  The time goes quickly.  I could swear little elves are pushing that clock faster while my kids are gone.  I have determined to do three things every day; exercise, read my scriptures, and walk the dog.  By the time I do those things, my whole morning is often gone and I am left with two or three hours to do everything else.  No, I do not feel like I have oodles of spare time.

2.  I miss the noise.  My house is eerily quiet.  Too quiet.  So, I talk to the dog...a lot.  I turn on the TV or the radio.  I sing out loud.  I would have never guessed that I would miss the noise my children bring.

3.  There are soooo many good things I could do.  While raising young kids, I longed to do many things but felt I couldn't because I was needed at home.  I wanted to volunteer at the school and in the community, I wanted to learn to play the organ or the guitar, I wanted to take a class at the community college, I wanted to read more, I wanted to deep clean my house regularly.  I vowed that when my kids were older, I would do conquer this list.  But, I find that I still can't do all of them, there's just not enough time and I'm having a hard time choosing.

4.  I miss my kids.  Granted it's only been two weeks and this feeling may wear off, but I can't wait for them to come home.  I am exicted to hear about their day and talk to them. 

5.  I am no more patient than before.  For some reason, I thought I would be.  But, even after having all that alone time, I get cross with my kids during homework and dinner and running to classes.  It's so crazy from 3-7pm each day and I thought I'd handle it better.  I feel extremely guilty about this.  I feel like I only have to be a good mom for 5 hours each day and I can't even do that.  I am constantly looking for ideas to help and am working on it.

6.  I need my friends.  I am lonely.  I need to hang out with people who make me happy. Interactions with my friends happened naturally when we were dropping kids off or having lunch at the park.  Now, I need to schedule play dates for myself.  I need to go to lunch or on a walk or shopping with a friend.  It's necessary for me.

7.  It's going to be easy to be selfish.  My time is strictly my own each day.  I could never say that before.  The other day, a friend asked if I could help her clean her house after she moved out.  I totally hesitated.  I had things to do.  I had a plan.  My few free hours were packed with things.  I didn't want to help.  I was surprised at myself.  It's going to take a conscious effort to give my time, to help, to not think about what I wanted to do with my time.  Maybe that's always the case, but I can tell it will be harder for me now.

I am sure as time passes, things will fall into place and this will all be normal.  It's just going to take some adjusting.  I can only imagine how it will be when my kids actually do leave the house permanently.  Then, I will probably look back on these next few years and long for them again.  I guess the trick to parenting is to enjoy the phase you're in without longing for the past or waiting for the future. Here's to enjoying this new phase.

Never a dull moment

Had a date night with this goofball last night. She is hilarious and fun!

Feelings of a four year old and her mother

The other night as I was putting Taylor to bed, she wanted to talk about kindergarten which starts next week.  I asked her how she felt about starting school.

"I am nervous and excited," she replied.

Then she thought for a minute and added, "I am nervouscited."

I smiled as I thought about what a great word that was. Taylor's  transition into school also marks a transition for me.  I thought about sending all my kids to school each day.

I, too, am feeling nervouscited, with a large amount of sadness mixed in there too.

Not the best listener

While playing hide and seek at the park, Taylor said she needed help going potty. I thought she said she needed help hiding so I told her to go behind the bench.

Load of Laundry Fun

Finished our laundry room makeover. Only flooded the room four different times because we kept forgetting to put the washer back properly. Soggy carpets, pretty laundry room.

 Brent build a stand for a sink and installed all the plumbing.  He had his doubts, but I knew he could figure it out.  Now I am excited to do stain removal in my new sink.  We also ripped out the one dinky shelf that was there and added the cabinets, shelves, and rod.  We also installed a drying rack on the wall opposite the dryer.

I ordered these prints on etsy.  They are both beautiful and helpful!

I love the robins egg blue and the red accents.

Movie Wagons

To excite the kids about family movie night, Brent showed Aiden the trailer for the movie we had rented. Once we started the show, Aiden recognized it and said, "Hey mom, we just watched the wagon of this movie."

Made for Arizona

Yes, it is 109 degrees and yes, he is cold and needs to wear his hoodie.

Happiest Place on Earth

I will let the photos do the talking.  But I do want to say that our Robertson reunion trip to Disneyland was a blast!  We all stayed in one big house a few blocks away, walked to Disneyland each morning and carried all the exhausted kids back each night.  Everyone pitched in and helped with everything.  It was so fun!

Aiden got to go to Jedi training.  He did fantastic!

Taylor and I spent lots of time seeing the characters.  She loved the princesses and got everyone to sign her hat.

Clearly, the characters weren't everyone's favorite.

Although Aiden looks very concerned in this photo, he was a roller coaster junkie.  He loves the Tower of Terror!  He wasn't afraid of any ride. 

Taking a much needed break to watch a show

Grandpa on baby duty.

Because our trip was right before mother's day, all the grandkids memorized a song about grandmothers and performed it for her one night.  We also had grandmother's day cake.

I kind of wish I could do this at home sometimes.

 We took a break for Disneyland one day to spend at the beach.  It was freezing cold.  I am pretty sure I was bundled up in the car during this photo.

I love you.....mostly

"Mom, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world. Well, except Disneyland, I love Disneyland more than you." Thanks Taylor. Great priorities.

Home is where your friends are.

Over the past few months, Brent's casual job searching has turned a little more aggressive.  He found a job in North Carolina that he was excited about and flew out to interview.  To make a long story short, weeks of agonizing over the move turned irrelevent when the company couldn't match the salary we wanted. 
There was some dissapointment in not being able to move a place like North Carolina; a place that can grow anything.  A place where were we could afford land.  Land that I depserately want in order to give our family space, learning opportunities, animals to care for etc.  That is a view for another post. 

Coming so close to leaving made me realize how hard a move will be for our family.  We are so very happy here.  I have come to love not hate the cacti everywhere.  I have grown accustomed to living in the pool for four months in order to survive the heat.  I have planted roots in a place that feels like home; with people who feel like family.

One morning during this waiting period, I dropped my kids off at school.  I watched as Sydney jumped out of the van, cute as ever, excited to be at school.  Waiting on the other side of the fence were four girls, jumping with excitement to see Sydney.  I knew these girls.  Many had been to our house for playdates,  others I had gotten to know by listening to Sydney.  These were her best friends.  She ran to them, they all embraced like they hadn't seen each other in weeks.  The five of them huddled close together talking and giggling as they walked to the playground.

After watching Sydney, I looked to find where Aiden had gone.  He too ran to a group of boys where, with a little less giggling, an almost identical scene played out.  I knew the same scene has also played out with Taylor and Emma. Tears filled my eyes as I drove off.  I thanked my Heavenly Father for the blessing of good friends.  As a mother, I have prayed that wonderful children like these friends would come into the lives of my children.  I felt the spirit testify to me that these kids were an answer to those prayers.

My thoughts turned to my own friends.  We don't usually giggle in a huddle of dimpled faces like Sydney's friends.  But, my friends are solid.  They are supportive.  They let me cry and then make me laugh so hard I forget my troubles.  They give good advice.  They listen when I need to vent.  They plan fun things.  They make me happy.  As with my children's friends, these adult friends of mine have been an answer to my prayers in many ways

The job hunt continues and, with any luck, we will move to a place with new opportunities for Brent.  But, no matter where we go, leaving here will be a hard, hard thing.  We may not miss the cactus or the 104 degree weather.  But, man, oh man, will we miss the people!