Two weeks ago, I dropped off all four of my kids at school. Yes, ALL FOUR! As I said goodbye to each child, I could feel the lump in my throat growing larger. When it was finally time to say goodbye to my sweet youngest, I completely lost it. I gave her a quick hug and a kiss and ran from her room not wanting my emotions to dampen her excitement. I went to my car, shut the door and sobbed. How could this be happening? How could my kids be this old? How can Taylor be gone all day? How do I have a child in middle school? How can I not be a mothering for 6 hours each day? That's all I've ever known.
Each year, the first day of school is a stark reminder to me that my kids are growing up. That fact is so so sad in many ways. That morning, in the school parking lot, I let myslef mourn that reality. I cried and cried while other mothers walked back to their cars and buckled in their babies and toddlers. Thankfully, I have good friends who were going through the same thing and we were all meeting for breakfast so I was forced to pull it together, wipe my tears away and go chat with them....for two whole child free hours (just because we could.)
Over the past two weeks, I have been asked many times what this new freedom is like. Sometimes, it is a question by a young mother longing to be in my position. Sometimes, it is from an older mother offering her sympathy and understanding for my lose. I usually tell them a few of the following lessons:
1. The time goes quickly. I could swear little elves are pushing that clock faster while my kids are gone. I have determined to do three things every day; exercise, read my scriptures, and walk the dog. By the time I do those things, my whole morning is often gone and I am left with two or three hours to do everything else. No, I do not feel like I have oodles of spare time.
2. I miss the noise. My house is eerily quiet. Too quiet. So, I talk to the dog...a lot. I turn on the TV or the radio. I sing out loud. I would have never guessed that I would miss the noise my children bring.
3. There are soooo many good things I could do. While raising young kids, I longed to do many things but felt I couldn't because I was needed at home. I wanted to volunteer at the school and in the community, I wanted to learn to play the organ or the guitar, I wanted to take a class at the community college, I wanted to read more, I wanted to deep clean my house regularly. I vowed that when my kids were older, I would do conquer this list. But, I find that I still can't do all of them, there's just not enough time and I'm having a hard time choosing.
4. I miss my kids. Granted it's only been two weeks and this feeling may wear off, but I can't wait for them to come home. I am exicted to hear about their day and talk to them.
5. I am no more patient than before. For some reason, I thought I would be. But, even after having all that alone time, I get cross with my kids during homework and dinner and running to classes. It's so crazy from 3-7pm each day and I thought I'd handle it better. I feel extremely guilty about this. I feel like I only have to be a good mom for 5 hours each day and I can't even do that. I am constantly looking for ideas to help and am working on it.
6. I need my friends. I am lonely. I need to hang out with people who make me happy. Interactions with my friends happened naturally when we were dropping kids off or having lunch at the park. Now, I need to schedule play dates for myself. I need to go to lunch or on a walk or shopping with a friend. It's necessary for me.
7. It's going to be easy to be selfish. My time is strictly my own each day. I could never say that before. The other day, a friend asked if I could help her clean her house after she moved out. I totally hesitated. I had things to do. I had a plan. My few free hours were packed with things. I didn't want to help. I was surprised at myself. It's going to take a conscious effort to give my time, to help, to not think about what I wanted to do with my time. Maybe that's always the case, but I can tell it will be harder for me now.
I am sure as time passes, things will fall into place and this will all be normal. It's just going to take some adjusting. I can only imagine how it will be when my kids actually do leave the house permanently. Then, I will probably look back on these next few years and long for them again. I guess the trick to parenting is to enjoy the phase you're in without longing for the past or waiting for the future. Here's to enjoying this new phase.
