This post is more of a journal entry for me to document/organize my thoughts on the subject. That is your warning...proceed with caution.
When to stop having kids? That is the question. That is THE question for me in my life and has been for at least a year. Brent says we're done, or rather, he's done. For me, the jury is still out.
At times I feel so overwhelmed, helpless really. Just the normal day to day activities of four kids is crazy. Then we add in dance for Emma, Gymnastics for Sydney, homework for Emma, potty training and playgroups for Aiden, preschool for Sydney, feeding changing and napping for Taylor and my days are busy. Forget projects, forget a meaningful conversation with Brent, forget scrapbooking (I have). I'm constantly just trying to tread water to keep from going under.
So, maybe that means we're done.
At times, I can't get enough of Taylor. A lot of times. She is the cutest, sweetest, happiest part of my day. Just thinking about her makes me smile. I love her smell (when bathed), I love her soft head, I love her dark hair and her dimples. I love having a baby all my own. I feel like I get to play house. I love dressing her, I love holding her, I love showing her off. Thinking about not having another baby makes me very very sad.
So, maybe that means we're not done.
I find myself frustrated by the constrictions my children place on my personal life. I want to be able to shop...for long hours at a time. I want to read more books. I want to scrapbook with my friends who get together allll the time without me (their kids are in school). I want to learn a new hobby or take a class from the local community college. I want to be able to spend more time on my calling and the temple and the scriptures. I want to go out to lunch somewhere besides McDonalds. I want to be spontaneous. I covet the people who can do these things because their kids are older.
So, maybe that means we're done.
I LOVE being a mom. I love that I am the center of their lives. I love that I am still their number one friend. The person they want to tell their jokes to and the person they come to when they need comfort. I know this won't last long. Soon, I'll be embarasing to them and enemy number one. I love that they're too little to realize that loving and hugging and kissing your mother is uncool. I want that to last forever.
So, maybe that means we're not done.
Kids are expensive. I heard that raising one child to be 18 costs about $250,000! Wow! Without kids, we'd be millionaires. I think of all the traveling we could do, all the things we could own, all the good we could do for others and for our kids if we only had four.
So, maybe that means we're done.
My kids are emotionally draining. I yell because I get stressed out, then I'm stressed out because I'm yelling at my kids and I know I shouldn't. Then, I feel guilty for being stressed out and I feel bad that my kids have to deal with me. They deserve better! They deserve a better, more controlled mother who speaks kindly and models good behavior. I think if I had less kids, this would be easier.
So, maybe that means we're done.
I've asked a lot of people about this topic. Most of the moms have said "I just knew when I was done". I heard that a lot about deciding who to marry and, it was true for me too. I just knew that Brent was going to be my husband and it wasn't scary, or unnerving, or a giant leap of faith. I don't feel that way about stopping after four kids.
So, maybe that means we're not done.
For the first time in my life, I feel like my kids need more of me than I can give. This is the biggie for me. In my mind, it's the only, truly, selfless reason to stop having kids. Because having more would mean that my current children get more neglected. I can't spend time on Emma's homework like she needs. I can't sit down and read to Sydney likes she needs. I can't be consistent with Aiden's time outs like he needs. I can't hold and stimulate Taylor like she needs. So, having more just for myself actually seems a little selfish sometimes. How can I guarantee that these other children will get what they need? I can't.
So, maybe that means we're done.
This kind of argument goes on in my head constantly. It's confusing and frustrating for Brent. Can we get rid of the baby clothes in the garage? Can we start counting down the years until we can all go to Disneyland? Why do we need an 8 passenger van? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
Really, I just don't know.
11 comments:
Well, Miranda - you are a great mom and luckily no one is holding a knife to your throat asking you to make the decision TODAY. So I bet my last child (hee hee hee) that you will have that experience that you will just KNOW for sure either way and be totally at peace with it. Too bad you couldn't order up that experience on your own time frame huh?
All good points for either option. Sometimes I feel guilty for not having more, but I have had peace for not having more as well. I think giving the best you can to the children you already have is important! I hope you fell like you have an answer soon, but I haven't had an "I just know" moment, except for peace after praying about it.
The good news is that you don't have to make this decision now! Enjoy your little baby and your older children. They are all lucky to have you as a mom.
Nicely said. For some people, it's a cut-and-dried decision, but I suspect there are many who feel as you do. I know I did. Good luck making the decision.
Luckily this decision was made for me...("4 c-sections is the limit!") Maybe you are thinking that you might want another boy...no guarantees there. Maybe you are thinking about your parents and the size of their family. Like the others, I agree...don't make the decision now.
My greatest regret in having 4 children in 6+ years is that I felt I din't have enough time with each, to teach, to guide, as you do. You and Brent need to make that decision together, and pray about it. You will know.
Thanks for the post. I know it is a question lots of other Mothers out there wonder about and think about. I have heard lots of moms say they "knew". But I dont think that means that they didnt hold a little baby later on down the road and miss little babies. Motherhood is a lifetime pursuit. You are amazing and I admire you!
As I read this I noticed many of your reasons to NOT have more children were temporal and not eternal. Like others have said, ask the Lord. Children will be with you FOREVER but Disneyland, a 8 seated van, boats, and a big house won't. You are a great mom and if you need a couple year break before another one great, focus on your kids now. Your a great sister too!!! :)
I love this post. I feel the same way you do. Honestly, after I had Chase in a lot of ways I wanted to be done (he was SOOO colicky and it was an EXTREMELY stressful time in life for me). I felt so strong though after I had him that there was another waiting. So if I don't get this feeling does it mean we are done? I too want to know for sure we are done. I don't want to look back and think we should have had more (I know a lot of women that feel this way).
Thanks for this post. This is something that I have been thinking about a lot in my own life. I only have two, and they are fun, and a challenge. If we had followed the timeline we have with both girls, we would be on our way to another one. But we have both taken a step back, deciding to enjoy the moment, and see what comes. Maybe we will have more. Or maybe we will adopt. But for now we are going to enjoy the girls, and give them as much as we can of us, our time, our love.
Good luck! You always were a super friend, pretty sure you are a super mom as well!
Wow, talk about a conversation starter. :)
Love, truth be told, I agree and disagree with everyone.
Maybe all these reasons are why Mom got longer and longer between kids. (15 months, 2 years, 4 years...) Maybe having babies to hold and snuggle make up in part for the McDonald's runs. I'm sure your "older kids" friends remember being where you are.
I wish you the best. In the mean time, keep Brent away from the garage and boxes of clothes, hand him Emma's homework, Sydney's book, Aiden's diapers, and Taylor (come on, she's just cute!) and go take a NICE LOOONG guilt free bubble bath.
We all love you!
You just had 4 kids in 6 years. Take a break and love it. After Joey I turned to Chad and said I need 4 years before I will even consider one more. I used to look at babies and they made me tired. Now I can be nostalgic for those days. Love where you are at when you aren't overly exhausted. It really is the best of times.
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